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Chicago Cubs, meet your father. Your father is Aubrey Huff.

Who's today's.........GOAT??? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

We're the only team besides Milwaukee to win a series at Wrigley this year. (I think I heard that right, anyway.)

Fun afternoon game. The bats came alive, Totally Rad Liz gave us six strong, we rocked Marquis, and Burres got back in there with an inning of relief (3 H, 1 ER). I've heard Burres knows how to step it up. I wish he'd use this knowledge to his advantage.

The WGN play of the game was the first pitch, so you know it was a good game for the other team.

Even though Jay Payton had a pair of two-run homers, the rest of the Orioles stunk out the jernt (well, Luke Scott had two hits on his 30th birthday -- happy birthday, Luuuuuke!) and the pitching was a mess, leading to a 7-4 loss.

Brian Burres was scratched for flu-like symptoms and the like prior to the game, so Albers got the start. Albers left in the first inning, having gotten just one out. Lance Cormier came in, and he and Ryan Bukvich did their best to save the rest of the bullpen. They did as well as you could expect under the circumstances. Whole lotta things went wrong. We lost. It happens.

Dennis Sarfate walking everyone was bothersome, but Jamie Walker got a strikeout in a one-batter appearance, so hey.

Hot starts are what they are. But it's generally important to keep in mind that someone as totally fringe-y as Brian Burres, who battled for the fifth spot in the ORIOLES rotation during spring training and has never been much of a prospect or anything, should be looked at kindly.

If he starts hot, then great! Sometimes a 2005 Bruce Chen happens, and the guy keeps it up all year. Generally speaking, though, not the case.

And that's what we're seeing with Bri Bri right now. Take a look at the ghastly figures from his past two starts--IF YOU DARE!

05/27 v. NYY: 3.2 IP, 10 H, 8 ER, 4 HR, 0 BB, 0 K
06/01 v. BOS: 4.0 IP, 12 H, 7 ER, 2 HR, 1 BB, 2 K

Ruh roh...

Sure, he faced a couple of good lineups. But to quote the great Sidney Deane, it is hard g-damn work to make anyone look that bad, especially two starts in a row. Bad pitch placement, leaving meatballs up, and hitters also seeming to get some timing on that Flanagan-taught mess he pulls out of his sleeve.

Coming into the May 27 start against the Yankees, Burres' ERA sat at a pretty, highly surprising 3.16. Now? 4.87. And climbing.

I'm not really complaining, just talkin' some shop on Burres. This is not unexpected, nor should it be considered as such. But if it keeps up, then you have to start considering taking him out of the rotation. He's not a guy that has a big future, not someone you're going to ride through terrible streaks and wait for him to pull out of the funk. The funk may, in fact, consume him. He'll be consumed by the funk.

I hope he does pull out of it in his next start and get back to throwing well (though he was treading on thin ice in many starts, to be sure), because like a lot of these guys I had no real opinion on prior to the start of the 2008 season, I've grown to like Burres. Grown accustomed to his face, if you wish. I love that his BB rate has been cut down a ton, and I think he's made some legit strides. But will that make him good enough?

LaToya Hawkins, I'm sorry, but Alex Cintron is absolutely your father, you beanball-missing hack. Leave now and never come back!

The ninth inning rain delay that seemed to last 36 years and has forever put the Extra Innings menu music in my brain was pretty lame, but otherwise this was a bizarre and fun game. Nine home runs! Twice the Orioles went back-to-back, both times involving Yankee Killer Kevin Millar! And a walkoff fly ball single by Alex Cintron, who pinch-ran for Ramon "Home Run" Hernandez.

And LaToya being the goat -- chef kiss that stuff. Magnifique.

Jeter also had a hideous game, which was amusing.

We were lucky to win this one. The Yankees should've blown it up in the top of the 11th, but nearly were held scoreless after a shot up the middle by A-Rod was picked off by Brian Roberts on the hop to start the rare 4-2-5 double play. Matsui singled home a run after that, but they were held.

And then Hawkins took over. Oh, the fun we had!

Brian Burres got waxed tonight but in the end, who remembers that? The Yankees went up 4-0, we tied it 4-4. The Yankees went up 8-4, we tied it 8-8. The Yankees went up 9-8, we tied it 9-9, and then took our first and last lead of the game. Oh, the fun we had!

There can't be too many more like this, can there?

Um...Luke Scott got a hit. So did Guillermo Quiroz.

Bynum hit leadoff with Roberts out. Hernandez started at second instead of Cintron, so I guess Luis Luis is getting a second life. Cintron did play, though.

Burres didn't pitch so bad. Bannister was excellent.

We're off tomorrow. The Red Sox come to town Tuesday.

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I've said this before, and I'll say it again, I'm sure. It's one thing to come into this season with low expectations, and knowing the team is going to compete for Worst Team in Baseball, and knowing how rocky and downright bad it's going to be, but it's another thing to actually sit and watch it happen.

The O's came out for 2008 with another surprisingly fast start, ending April in contention. We're a week into May, 16-16, and now we're in fourth place. And brothers and sisters, it's only going to get worse.

We're a half-game up on Toronto, and the Jays are riding a five-game win streak. It's only a matter of time before we get settled in the cellar.

I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic. Think about some of the guys starting for this team. Luis Hernandez and his .542 OPS, weak arm, and frequent boneheaded baserunning mistakes. Ramon Hernandez and his .581 OPS, detrimental alleged defense behind the plate, and frequent boneheaded baserunning mistakes. Luke Scott (.778 and nosediving) and Jay Payton (.642 and steady) are in a left field platoon.

Our starting first baseman is OPSing .672. Nick Markakis is in a massive slump right now. Our number three hitter is Melvin Mora -- .729 OPS.

This offense is offensive.

And it kind of makes you feel bad for a starting pitching crew that is performing a lot better than most would have expected. Jeremy Guthrie (4.06/1.24) is doing his thing again. Daniel Cabrera (4.06/1.35) seems to have found a balance between power pitching and trusting his stuff enough to let people try to hit it. Brian Burres (2.87/1.28) has been terrific. Garrett Olson (2.08/1.08) has been great in two starts since being called up. Steve Trachsel is a waste of time, so let's not even bother talking about him right now.

The bullpen has been a little inconsistent, but they've held their own for the most part. There's not much more you could ask of this pitching staff than what they've given us, to be totally fair.

And then there's the boneheaded baserunning and fielding and other assorted screwery. It's hard to watch a team make so many fundamental little mistakes that wind up costing them games. The A's had no business winning last night. They shouldn't have scored a run.

But then the Orioles shouldn't be making two outs on every hit-and-run they attempt and gloriously fail to execute. The Orioles shouldn't run into so many outs. But Dave has them running, despite their constant presentation of evidence that they don't know how to run the bases. Roberts is a fantastic baserunner. Markakis is a really good, savvy baserunner, last night's boner notwithstanding. But guys like Luis and Adam Jones, while they have speed, aren't good baserunners. It's one of the few times I'll go out of my way to praise Derek Jeter, but that guy is a magnificent baserunner. It's not just speed, and we all know that. Markakis isn't terribly fast, but, like Jeter, he has good instincts and rarely screws himself over.

And it's not just on the bases. It's in the field, too. Melvin Mora, God bless him, makes more idiotic mistakes than anyone I can think of. He also makes a lot of highlight reel plays. His tendency to look to get a glory out and wind up getting nobody out is a little high. Luis Hernandez? I can't really blame him. He's not really a Major League shortstop. He does not have the arm for the position.

I'm not mad about them being bad, and I'm not upset about it, and it doesn't depress me or anything. But it's hard to watch a team so bad on so many levels. They try hard, there's a lot of moxy, and there's plenty of grit. They've got some gamers. That's super.

They stink, though. We all knew they would.

(And Aubrey Huff has been fine.)

Guillermo Quiroz hit a two-run homer to break a 0-0 tie in the sixth inning, and Brian Burres had a magnificent start, leading the O's to a 5-1 win in the first game of today's double-header in Chicago.

Burres went eight shutout innings, striking out four and allowing three hits. He didn't walk anybody, which is the real stunner.

Luke Scott was 0-1 in a pinch-hit appearance, which extends his slump. If you haven't noticed, he's down to a .310 average and hasn't seen first base since April 19. Jay Payton got the start against John Danks, who took a perfect game into the sixth inning before Guillermo bombed him, and went 1-for-3. So if you can say anything about Payton, it's that he's doing his best when called upon.

The Birds sealed the deal in the top of the ninth against Octavio Dotel, with Eider Torres (pinch-running for Huff) scoring on a Paul Konerko error, and Brian Roberts doubling Quiroz and Adam Jones home to make it 5-0.

Matt Albers came in for the ninth and got his cage rattled a little bit. George Sherrill replaced him with the bases loaded and two out, and promptly drilled Carlos Quentin, but then got Joe Crede, so big whoop.

The O's are 14-9, y'all.

Game 2 starts at 7:05, and I'll get a new game thread up for that one. I leave you with a question: Why does Toby Hall have a landing strip on his face?

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The New York Yankees just aren't very good.

I know this happens every April, the Yankees start slow and get warm with the weather, but I like to take the time to gloat while I can. Plus, it's getting to be a routine with the O's playing New York fairly tough, after years of rolling over for them like trained cocker spaniels.

With the O's up 4-0 in the sixth, Diamond Dave decided to go to the 'pen and get Burres out of there. I thought this was a wise, wise decision. Burres is a 5-6 inning starting pitcher. With five hits and four walks against him, we were already kind of testing fate with Brian. Plus Morgan Ensberg was coming up, and Morg is a lefty basher. In comes Jim Johnson, who finishes the final three and a third with one hit allowed and nothing more, and we go home winners on a 6-0 score.

My favorite part of the game watching the YES broadcast was one of the following:

1. Millar comes up in the third, Ken Singleton offers to give us the Ricoh scouting report on Kevbo. He gets one part of it, then the pitch from Ian Kennedy is coming. "We'll get to it after this pitch," says Singleton. Whack! Dong Millar. Get to it next time, maybe.
2. Promotional spots for tomorrow's game: "The Melk Man looks to deliver against Aubrey Huff (?) and the high-flying Orioles!" This is either a rib by someone at YES or a clear misunderstanding of Aubrey Huff's importance to the Birds. Maybe the YES staff hasn't heard of Nick Markakis. After all, he's not in Boston or New York, and he's not Ichiro. To his credit, Huff delivered a two-RBI double to push our lead to six. But really? Aubrey Huff? Not Markakis? Not Yankee Killer Brian Roberts? Not arch nemesis Kevin Millar?
3. Brandon Fahey got two hits. I will maintain to my dying day that he has no business in the majors, but it's not like I don't root for the dude. One of his hits was an RBI double past Posada (who started at first base since Giambi's hitting about a buck.)

Once a year or so, it's good to update these. Players come and players go, much like the asinine nicknames that generally spring out of the game threads. So here's a quick primer for anyone who's new and might not know what in God's name we're talking about during certain points of a game.

Albers, Matt

• Fat Albers

This is not in any way intended to be mean. Honest. I know the dude's a little pudgy, maybe still carrying some baby fat, or maybe he's just like most of the rest of us and likes to reward himself for a fine day's work of breathing air and being a cool dude by wolfing down a Baconator or six. I'm not here to judge Matt Albers. It's just something that happened in my head and then I put it on a blog. Hey, hey, hey!

You gotta do it right though. Listen for yourself, if you're unfamiliar. It starts loud, so be prepared. That site is long faded as far as being funny goes, but whatever. RAN-DOOOOOR!

Bradford, Chad

• ChadBrad
• Chadwick
• Chadstache

Ain't found a way to kill me yet

Eyes burn with stingin' sweat

Seems every path leads me to nowhere

Wife and kids, household pet

Army green was no safe bet

The bullets scream to me from somewhere

Yeah, they come to snuff The Rooster

Yeah, here come The Rooster

You know he ain't gonna die

Walkin' tall, machine gun man

They spit on me in my homeland

Mora, Melvin 

• MelMo
• Melly Mel
• Melvin Moron
• Playoff Hero Melvin Mora

Did Babe Ruth ever slap at someone's glove while they tried to tag him? Did Mickey Mantle? Did Hank Aaron? Did Cal Ripken? Did Dane Iorg? Did Kiko Garcia? Seriously. He's a player to admire, but a total weiner.

That's why I prefer "Brian Bob."

Sarfate, Dennis

• Dennis the Menace

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We're 7-5. It's true. But let's really take a look at this 7-5 record of ours, and see if this is a team legitimately outperforming expectations, or a team just sort of, you know, 7-5 because that's just sort of how it is.

Coming into today's loss to the Rays, the O's were hitting .253/.331/.423 as a team. Who's performing?

Luke Scott is performing. Brian Roberts is performing. Nick Markakis is performing, even though it took him 12 games to get his first homer. Nick's walking like crazy because teams are willing to pitch around him to get to Millar in many cases.

And then there's Aubrey Huff, who has a couple of big games and has been abysmal otherwise. For those not really keeping an eye on it, "Mr. Clutch" is now hitting .244.

After those two, the hitting falls off a cliff. Luis Hernandez is "surprising" people, but really take a look at those numbers -- he's still sporting a sub-.650 OPS. Brandon Fahey is 1-for-11 on the season, and we all know he can't hit. So you're looking at a two-headed monster at shortstop that simply cannot hit enough to help. Alex Cintron is no prize, but he'd be markedly better than either of them.

Mora has hit a couple of homers, but overall he stinks, too. Millar has looked terrible. Ramon Hernandez is struggling mightily.

It's way too early to have anything at all to really say about the pitching, past the fact that this rotation is going to just kill us. It's one thing to understand that they're bad; it's another to watch it happen. Loewen and Cabrera and Burres are going to be extremely frustrating to watch game-to-game. The bullpen, a strong point early, is showing serious chinks in the armor. Sound familiar? Same scenario as last season, featuring "Lights Out" John Parrish.

We're 2-3 against Tampa Bay, 1-2 against Texas, and 4-0 against Seattle, whose bullpen imploded on them and allowed that sweep. Is this team really playing above expectations?

I have my doubts. And that's not me trying to be negative, it's just what I'm thinking about at the moment.

I am proud to say that Brian Roberts has more hops than Akinori Iwamura.